I Ate ‘The Fantastic Four: First Steps’ Pop-Tarts

1 day ago 2

It’s a tale as old as the Marvel Universe itself: A family of brave explorers venture out into space in an experimental rocket, only to return changed after exposure to cosmic rays. Determined to use their new powers for the benefit of all mankind, they adopt the name the Fantastic Four.

But what if instead of explorers ... they were toaster pastries?

It sounds like a question for Uatu the Watcher, or maybe a bit from one of Will Ferrell’s old Harry Caray sketches on Saturday Night Live where Ferrell, in character as the doddering Chicago Cubs sportscaster, would ask absurd questions of scientists and intellectuals. “We all know the Fantastic Four is not made out of green cheese ... but if they were made out of frosted blue raspberries Pop-Tarts, would ya eat ’em then???”

Clearly, I would. But as a decade of articles at this website conclusively proves, I will ingest anything tied, however tenuously, to a movie. And these new Pop-Tarts, which are supposedly filled with a popular blue raspberry flavor not seen on store shelves since 2019, are inspired by Marvel’s The Fantastic Four: First Steps, a comics property not seen on multiplex screens since 2015. (That Fantastic Four movie got its own tie-in menu at Denny’s, including Invisible Woman pancakes drizzled with clear — or “invisible” — syrup and a Thing Burger slathered with “Thing Sauce,” something I definitely do not regret putting into my body whatsoever.)

Not to be outdone by one of the worst superhero films of the 21st century, Marvel’s FF reboot already got a four-flavor pizza from Little Caesars and its own proprietary blue milk. Now it’s got its own Pop-Tarts too, available at Walmarts around the country (except the one on Yancy Street) for a limited time. If you think I’m making this intro extra long just so I can put off eating them for a few more minutes ... no comment.

Okay True Believers, enough stalling. Let’s try these suckers.