Amazon Prime’s The Rings of Power wrecks a lot of J.R.R. Tolkien’s work, but when it comes to the titular rings themselves, the writers really outdid themselves.
It is one thing to botch the various relationships, fantastic creatures and even the basic background of Tolkien’s creation, but when it comes to the forging of the Great Rings, it’s clear that none of Amazon Prime’s writers have any idea how people who work with their hands actually ply their trade.
Writing What You Don’t Know
I say it all the time, but you write what you know. If you don’t know it, you can study it or try to experience it, but Amazon Prime’s crew has taken the bold position of remaining proudly ignorant of how the skilled trades actually work.
There’s a certain irony here insofar as these college-educated nepotistic diversity hires fancy themselves greatly superior to the tradesmen who remove used condoms from their toilet lines or reset the circuit breaker because these clowns plugged all their electronics into a single outlet using daisy-chained power strips. “Hah,” they sneer, “Look at these uneducated losers pocketing $150 an hour for a such a menial task as flipping a switch! How degrading to be them!”
It never occurs to Generation Door Dash that they might actually learn how to do these things themselves, rather than hiring a handyman every time a light bulb burns out.
Ironically, these tradesmen could give them much-needed advice on how one builds and improves one’s skill. In fact, there are actual shows based on this process, where contestants cook, make clothes or even forge blades, seeking to demonstrate their skills and achieve distinction with their work. People who binge on reality TV know more about the real world than these losers.
Reversing the Rings
Even setting aside the lore (and the ring rhyme!), there has to be a natural progression in the way that the Rings of Power were created. Celebrimbor had to start small, learning the basic elements of enchantment, before he could attempt rings capable of thwarting the march of time or healing entire lands.
To alter this order isn’t just to go against Tolkien, it’s to stand common sense on its head and then brag about it.
Consistent with this progression, Gandalf initially thought Bilbo’s ring was one of “apprentice” works, nameless and forgotten, because he could not imagine how the One Ring ended up with Gollum.
After they mastered the necessary skills (taught to them by Sauron/Annatar), the elven smiths created the Nine Rings for Men. These did not need to be particularly powerful because human wants are so simple: long life and power. By offering both, the Nine Rings were easily able to enslave their owners, creating the Ringwraiths.
Next came the Seven Rings for Dwarves. These were something of a failure from Sauron’s perspective because dwarves are so stubborn and strong-willed that they are impossible to enslave. It is said that each dwarf-hoard was founded on one of the Seven, and that their owners were fabulously rich. That in turn made them even more greedy, and also a target for plunderers, so Sauron did manage to achieve an evil result. In the end, dragons got four of the Seven, and Sauron reclaimed the remaining three.
It was only after the Nine and the Seven were made that Celebrimbor achieved the skill necessary to create the Three Rings for the Elves, which were the most powerful of the lot. Unlike the others, Sauron had nothing to do with them, and never touched them. That is why the Three are rings of goodness, the total opposites of the others. There’s no lust for the Three, and over the ages the owners give them freely to others who can best use their power.
Writing What You Do Know
At this point we must wonder not just why the writers got it all wrong, but how they got it all wrong. The answer is that the writers assumed that forging rings must be just like writing, where one can have a smash-hit on the very first try. That’s certainly their dream, and so that’s what they wrote. Yes, there are plenty of writers who find success later in life, or perhaps only receive recognition after they’re dead, but that is not the dream of the Amazon Prime crew. They’re in many ways already living the fantasy of getting money and resources far beyond what they deserve, and because self-inserts are their go-to story technique, they’ve recast Celebrimbor as a guy who nails it on the first try, and then fades down the stretch.
Just as they are doing.
They therefore inverted the order and then, because they never bothered to read the books, just cribbed from Peter Jackson’s flawed films when it came to how the Three work. This is why we have Elrond doing the same “Destroy them!” schtick even though these rings bring healing, beauty and light into the world and can’t harm anyone.
Adding insult to injury, the whole business is becomes a massive time sink, including a long chase, impossible escape and interminable arguments that accomplish nothing..
The Usual Moral Inversion
Right, so now that orcs aren’t bad, just misunderstood, Amazon Prime clearly wants us to believe that rings that provide protection, healing and hope are EVIL.
That’s the obvious message. Goodness is addictive, so you should stay away from things that cause it. The elves shouldn’t try to heal the world, but shove off and leave it to the poor, put-upon orcs.
Or leave it to Sauron, who really just wants to reorganize things. Middle Earth is his sock drawer, and if the elves would just leave it alone, he’d have things put right in no time.
I’m going to address the Sauron/Galadriel thirst trap in another column, but suffice to say this business of having the Lady of Light treating a ring as her personal drug fix (she sees things, man, and it totally opens her mind!) is a take only Hollywood could come up with.
The writers are now struggling mightily to get themselves out of this blind canyon of creativity. This is what you get when you try to justify obviously evil acts.
There’s also a certain symmetry when Game of Thrones failed to stick the landing because its author bailed out and left the producers hanging while Amazon Prime has the ending, but the writers are too stupid to use it.
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English (US) · 