President Donald J. Trump today announced the nationalization of the Walt Disney Company, a move he justified on the grounds of national security and economic necessity.
“Disney forms a core part of American culture and has become the single most important entertainment company in the world,” Trump said as he signed an executive order seizing the company. “I cannot allow it’s slide into the twin evils of woke D.E.I. as well as kow-towing to China, I really can’t. Disney used to be about wholesome things, kids’ shows, the cartoons with the princesses. Everybody loved them, and I mean everybody. It’s true. And then they bought Star Wars, I thought – as did a lot of people – ‘Good move, lots of money there, George Lucas has lost his mind.’ I’ve talked to George, you know, told him he was crazy, he didn’t listen. Always whining about his ex-wife. I told him get over it, I have two, and no one has ever, ever heard me complain about them. In fact, they love me. They still do. Wonderful people.
“Disney bought Star Wars and actually LOST money. They did, it’s hard to believe, but they did. How do you lose money on Star Wars? Disney did it. And then it just kept getting worse, and the stuff they put out now, nobody watches it. Nobody. Anyone here watched any of it? Show of hands. Oh one, from CNN. Of course. Loser network watching loser shows. Everyone else has a life.”
“Today we change course,” he continued “Marco Rubio gets yet another hat, the CEO of Disney.” Trump gestured to the Secretary of State, who was dressed like Prince Charming for the event. “Marco, these gold Mickey Mouse ears are for you. Yes, that’s real gold, I paid for it, so of course it’s real, looks great. You look great. That’s a good look for you. Turn Disney around, fire all the woke D.E.I. people, you know, the ones with blue hair, three genders and all the rings on their faces. Those people. Nobody likes them. Not even their families. So sad. Don’t worry, they’ll find work. Have you seen the jobs report? Beautiful.”
Rubio then delivered brief remarks. “Thank you, Mr. President, for entrusting me with this great responsibility. Disney is a deeply-rooted part of America, and to celebrate our independence this year, it needs to reflect that spirit. My first act as CEO is to declare every single Star Wars film, show, or publication made by Disney non-canonical. In the weeks to come we will clarify the canon for other properties, but expect a lot of Disney’s junk to be wiped out.”
Leading Democrats expressed outrage, including California Gov. Gavin Newsom who mocked Trump’s ignorance of Disney’s product, though when pressed, he could not name any of the studio’s recent work, blaming it on his inability to read the title credits.
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English (US) · 